thought 15

I think about her from time to time, I have her number and i could text her. I contemplated for a few weeks, because texting is so easy. Too quick and too easy to approach whoever I have in my contacts. I decided not to ask her for any updates, because she told me in the car that we would meet again. Then in the future, I would ask her everything. I decided not to tamper with the relationship we had, sounds weird but i also wanted it to remain in the past. So that when i remember her, i could reminisce about who i was back then together. Bringing the relationship into my current life felt almost like a drag, something unnecessary, because what we had only had meaning because of the unreal situation we were in back then. This is my way to preserve the relationship i considered so special, the connection i deemed spiritual, i couldn’t tell her that she changed my life but i’m confident she knows. So many unspoken words that didnt need to be spoken with her. I wrote about her many times, i never really write about anyone, but i am always writing about her. She doesn’t know that i do, i wanted to tell her at one point but i didn’t want to seem creepy lol. The first time i wrote about her it was a total realization of the effects she had on me. I am not really ready to articulate how she inspired me, expressions in my vocabulary lack the sophistication to articulate my feelings. I hate my brain lol. Romanticizing actual connections are such a delight though, it helps to build newer connections that are to come in the future and keeps me open to so much. Sometimes I close my eyes and walk through my last conversation with her. It was also the first time we ever touched i think, she hugged me and i let a very unexpected tear out. I wasn’t sad at all, but her eyes made me literally shake. The look on her face, the way she looked at me, there was not much emotion but she was comforting me and cheering me on. I actually don’t have the exact memory of what she said to me, but i remember her asking me not to be so saddened by the fact that she wasn’t speaking to many words about our relationship. But again I wasn’t sad at all, because i also understood the power of unspoken words (but i cried lol whatever—I may have been overwhelmed by the look on her eyes).

Well, this wasn’t what i had in mind when i decided to write today. I wanted to write about a new magazine I found “The Light Observer,” and share about my fascination with light that manifests in architecture, lightings, photography, and on humanity in general but i guess my next entry will be about that. But I think it was the only magazine that I actually had read all the way through without skipping any text.. oh god it was so good. I hope to buy a few when im here so i can actually read something in english again lol. Since that i now read, write, and communicate everything in korean, the inevitable deterioration of my english is hurting my ego so much haha... it is a part of the reason I chose to write today’s entry in english today.

I hope everyone enjoyed this. I definitely enjoyed writing this today, i was in tears at the cafe it was so silly. A lot of happy tears are happening to me recently, my heart is so tender (i love it!!!!).

ciao.